Once upon a time I had this friend. . . .
Once upon a time I had this friend who was poly. (Surprise huh?). She had a male SO who would call her every night right before he went to bed. One day he starts dating someone else and before long the nightly goodnight phone calls became intermittent.
My friend was extremely upset by this, which I actually understood. Being a creature of habit and predictability myself I could understand how it would be upsetting if a routine with one of my loves was broken. Particularly when it was unintentional. But in this case I also understood why the routine was broken and know it was somewhat inevitable. And I stated as much to my friend.
To my surprise her response was, "We had that routine before SHE came along! It isn't fair SHE is changing it! HER relationship with Rickie (name changed) shouldn't have any effect on MY relationship with him!"
To which I replied, "But, he is spending time with her. Maybe they are in bed together. You expect him to interrupt that and call you to say goodnight?" Her response involved more than a few expletives and didn't really add much to what was already mentioned so I'll not try to paraphrase it again here.
It did create an interesting quandary in my mind. As mentioned, I could somewhat understand her feelings. At the same time I have a hard time imagining my SO laying in bed with her OSO and saying "Hold on, I have to make my goodnight call." I wouldn't dream of expecting such a thing.
But it made me think, why not? We are poly, open, and my SO's OSO will know about me. I would know they were spending time together and were possibly in bed or spending the night together. So is there any reason they couldn't pick up the phone and wish me goodnight? Not really.
In trying to understand the problem I tried to put myself on the other side of the equation. Were I spending time with my OSO would I interrupt that time to call my SO and say goodnight? I didn't really come up with a solid answer. I think it would depend on the situation. If my OSO and I weren't really doing anything, then I would make the call. But if we were watching a movie together, snuggling, talking, or "other things" my phone would remain untouched. And if my OSO told me they had a problem with me interrupting our time together so I could call my SO I definitely wouldn't be picking up the phone. Of course, I wouldn't just stop calling, I would have a conversation with my SO and explain why I wouldn't be calling.
I haven't personally had this problem before and although the paragraph above sounds good I'm not sure how I would proceed if my SO insisted on a phone call every night despite my OSO's feelings.
So tell me what you think!
-What would you do if your SO insisted on a phone call and your OSO wasn't happy about it?
-What are your rules (soft or hard) about communication while your SO is on a date? Out with friends? Other?
-Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do about it?
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