Ask Polyamory Paradigm

Check out my new question and answer blog!
AskPolyamoryParadigm

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Not again!!!

Time for a new theory. This one is called the Committed Hit and Run.

Once upon a time :grin: there was a couple named Lucy and Desi. I knew both of them but not well. I usually saw Desi once a week and we would have a chance to chat. Lucy I saw maybe once a month to talk. However, I would see each of them regularly in the course of my day.

Lucy and Desi were in love and bought a house together. They were happy for a while until Lucy's lazy son moved in. Then her druggie stripper daughter moved in. Desi was not happy and after some arguing, thrown cell phones, police appearances, and a restraining order or two, Desi moved out.

Probably a wise choice you are thinking. But that was just the beginning.

The two tried to maintain a friendship with Desi helping Lucy out with home repairs, the two joining a sports league together, and running into each other at their favorite bar regularly. Of course the relationship became more serious again, so they started dating once more to see if things could work out.

Fast forward a bit and the history is ridiculous. Each had other partners so there were accusations of infidelity thrown about. There were the phone calls checking up on each other, finding each other on internet dating sites, spying on each others cell phone and internet accounts, you name it.

Now here we are a year later and a pattern has emerged. Lucy and Desi are dating seriously and Desi is talking about moving back home. Then something happens and they have a fight. One or the other will then find a new partner for a week or so. During that time both are adamant it was the other persons fault and they will never be together again. After another week they will be talking again. A few more days and a date or two, and they are sleeping together again. A few more days and Desi is talking about moving back home. A few more days and the cycle repeats. Over and over and over again.

Noticing this pattern and how it appears they both enjoy finding new partners on a somewhat regular basis I opened my big mouth and suggested polyamory to each of them. Lucy flat out denied the concept maintaining she was a traditional girl and somewhat of a purist. Desi reacted as many men do who don't fully understand the concept and chuckled, winked, said it sounded like a lot of fun, then continued with his pattern of loving and hating Lucy.

What I don't get is why people would want that kind of drama in their lives? After speaking with both of them it seems that by breaking up they can each justify going out and finding a new partner without feeling like they are cheating on the other person. Fair enough. But aren't there simpler ways to achieve the same goal?

Part of me thinks the problem is communication. They both like to believe they are adhering to the expectations of society. It also seems they are unwilling to admit their desires openly to one another. I also think part of the problem is that they want to appear to be a 'normal' couple. Being polyamorous might mean their friends would find out and they wouldn't be 'normal' anymore.

So where are you at with this one? Do you know someone who behaves like this? Have you behaved like this in the past? Do you think polyamory is a solution or that Lucy and Desi have bigger problems? What would your solution be?

4 comments:

  1. I think that this couple has a serious problem. Their dyfunction cannot be solved with moving the relationship into an open and Poly lifestyle.

    Considering that there are dysfunctional adult children in the mix, brings up a suspicion that Lucy already has some problems. And with the way Desi keeps commingling with Lucy, I think there might be some co-dependent dysfunction going on between them.

    Although I believe that taking their relationship to the lofty goal of healthy Polyamory might set them on to a functional and healthy track, I think they need professional help.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Some people don't have much vision, and it takes that plus courage and a thick skin to live a poly life well. You nailed it as to their lack of necessary skills to make even a monogamous relationship work, i.e. not being honest and clear with each other, and pretty clearly not even with themselves.

    There are plenty of instances where people react badly to the idea of polyamory, even when it clearly makes good sense for them and perhaps even that they are actually in the process of living something close to it. If they think of themselves as traditional people, no matter what they are actually DOING as to their intimate relationship(s), the idea of doing something as scandalous as living an openly poly life can really freak them out, ethics be damned.

    Still a lot of work to be done to raise awareness about what polyamory is and why it's a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kameshwari, thanks for the comment.

    I agree with the co-dependency theory but probably for a different reason than yours. Co-dependency usually seems to be the changing of behavior to preserve a relationship by excessive caretaking. In the relationship I was referencing the co-dependency seems to be a need for both Lucy and Desi to adhere to the societal (and possibly religious) expectation that once a couple is committed to each other they should do anything to stay together and to act otherwise would be frowned upon. Granted, their interpretation of those expectations does seem more than slightly warped.

    PP

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anita, thanks for the concise comment!

    I think you pinpointed the problem exactly; regardless of how they are living their relationship it loosely conforms to expectations and doing anything else openly, such as poly, is almost unthinkable.

    I don’t know that Polyamory would be a solution for them and I would hate to later be blamed if they tried it and failed. When I mentioned the idea I was just tired of hearing about the drama and was trying to suggest alternatives. I really feel that if their relationship design is what they both want then great, go do it. Just please stop complaining about it in an attempt to justify what you are doing! If not, then change your behavior.

    PP

    ReplyDelete