Sometimes as many of you know I have very strange conversations with very normal seeming people. For once I got to have a conversation with someone who seemed a bit unusual at first but revealed themselves as being normal.
I was having a conversation with a young lady who is fairly active in the poly social circles where I live. She knows most everyone, attends a lot of functions, and has dated her share of folks. Although she is knowledgeable about a variety of subjects and attends many unusual events (rituals, worship circles, etc.) she isn't overly spiritual nor does she tend to get deeply involved in the events.
We were having a conversation about general poly topics, sharing our likes and dislikes with each other, types of people we date, things of that nature. A couple of times the conversation drifted to people in the community who were sexually focused.
One of her comments was something like, "I'm a bit frustrated with the number of people who just want sex". I let her know that although I agreed and people looking purely for sex within the poly community were frustrating, I couldn't blame someone for wanting sex and being focused about it. I mean really, sex is fun. At least, if you are doing it right!
The conversation drifted a bit and I found us talking about poly breakups and the end of relationships. Specifically, how some people feel the need to completely walk away from a person and even end friendships when romantic relationships end. A concept neither of us agrees with in the least. We both tend to believe relationships are dynamic and just because a physical or deeply connected emotional relationship doesn't last it doesn't mean love will end or the friendship needs to dissolve.
This was the point at which I threw out a theory I've had for a while now called Sexual Love. The idea that some people confuse a sexual relationship with love. Happily the girl I was chatting with easily connected the dots and agreed with my theory, lending it some validity.
From there we both recounted numerous relationships that seemed to have a definitive sexual requirement. Once that requirement was removed all aspects of the relationships dissolved. Both of us believing as we do we each had several relationships where we had decided to stop sleeping with someone in an effort to refocus on other parts of the relationship, or had done so because parts of the relationship were becoming a concern. We had each experienced failure of the entire relationship shortly thereafter. And we each remembered being told if there was no sexual relationship then there was no relationship at all.
I'm not a psychiatrist but I imagine I am so my theory is as follows; I believe some people equate being desired with being loved. The epitome of desire for them is for someone to want them physically. Physical consummation then provides the validity that they are indeed loved.
That's a pretty general description but going into detail would easily triple the length of this article and I know you are already bored. What I'm curious about is if others have encountered this behavior? Is it something you think is widespread or rare? Are you possibly one of the people I'm talking about? If so, how has that behavior worked for you with respect to relationships?