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Saturday, June 5, 2010

You and me and you, a threesome!

If you have ever had this conversation, raise your hand. . .

Me: "I'm Polyamorous."
Them: "Oh, so you have like two girlfriends right?"
Me: "Yep"
Them: "Cool, so you have lots of threesomes and stuff right?"
Me: "Nope."
Them: "But I thought that's what 'you' do?"

Blah, blah, blah after that as you struggle to explain what Polyamory is actually all about. Or maybe you are just tired of trying to explain it and say, "Yep. Every night. All night long. All we ever do is threesomes. In the bed, on the floor, in the shower, front yard, back yard, in the car, on the roof. Wherever we can, threesomes."

What exactly is poly about a threesome?

Yes I love each of my partners. Yes, I have physical relationships with each of them. Does that require me to try and have a physical relationship with each of them at the same time? No.

Why is there an assumption that if I love more than one person, those two people must love each other as well. Personally when I think about multiple partners the last thing I want is to have two people who are exactly the same. To some extent I would like them to be different if not opposite. At that point would they even be interested in each other, let alone to the extent of being lovers? I doubt it.

I'm not even sure what makes people think I would be capable of satisfying two women at the same time. Yes yes, I know I am a virile young ::cough: stud ::laughs:: with supreme sexual powers ::snort:: beyond those imaginable. ::chuckle:: But maybe both my partners would be just as proficient so even with my exceptional prowess ::chortle:: I wouldn't be able to meet their demands.

I could go around in circles with this one for a while, and in fact I did. I even got within a cats whisker of deleting this article because I really didn't feel it was going anywhere. Although I didn't understand why it bothered me so much when people talk about threesomes and poly in an assumptive manner in the same sentence I realized I needed to pay attention to this blog title. Polyamory Paradigm. I needed a paradigm shift! That's when I saw the question from a different perspective.

Rather than thinking the relationship between threesomes and polyamory was an assumption I realized it was very possibly a desire! That maybe the people putting those two things together are doing so out of a suppressed desire for a threesome. They need to think Polyamory would give someone an acceptable, approved method of having a threesome!!

Thinking about it a bit more, it makes sense. Often in conversations I've had where I've had to correct the assumption about threesomes my correction is met with disbelief. I have even had people say "Well what's the point then?" after explaining things to them. They have even argued the point saying things like "Well you could have a threesome, right?" or "Well if you could have a threesome, why haven't you?"

I am bugged quite a bit when people make the assumption that my partners and I all have group sex every night. I think because it feels demeaning to my beliefs. Seriously, I wonder how those same people would feel if I assumed because they are married or have a girlfriend they were having sex every night. And how they would feel if, after they tell me they aren't having sex every night, I looked at them like they had three heads or are mentally handicapped and asked them what was wrong with them or their mate. But writing this article has helped me see things a bit differently. Maybe I can be more tolerant of the question in the future.

How about you? Does the threesome assumption bother you? Do you even get asked the threesome question when telling people you are poly? And if so, do you think it could be a secret desire by people to have threesomes? Or do you think there is some other reason for the threesome assumption?

9 comments:

  1. Actually, no one ever asked me if I had threesomes with my honeys... probably because most of the time it was two men I was with, and many people seem to think two girls = yum, two guys = eek!... so I guess you're right about people tacking their own fantasies onto your relationships.

    However, a few times I *did* have the privilege to be in a threesome with honeys who liked and cared for each other (invariably another girl/only one guy variant, alas), it was one of the most transcendental, wonderful, loving experiences of my life. So, the question wouldn't bother me at all.

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  2. San Francisco Escorts thanks for the comment!

    I agree the whole threesome attraction does seem to come primarily from hetrosexual males. Which may be why I hear the question more often, because I am a (mostly) hetrosexual male.
    I also agree it seems two women is preferable to two males. However, in the social circles I travel where the women are more open it seems they have almost as much interest in a threesome with two males, they just don't act on it often for some reason.

    Like you, I have found the few threesomes I've been in to be very enjoyable on several levels.

    It really isn't the question that bothers me, it is the assumption that prompts the question. If I was simply asked had I been in threesomes and did I enjoy them I wouldn't mind the question. Instead the question seems to be an assumption that because of my lifestyle, threesomes are expected. When I respond they aren't a regular event I'm often met with disbelief or that something is wrong with my relationships. I find that a tad offensive.

    Thanks!
    PP

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  3. I have not been accosted with the threesome accusation in relation to my Poly lifestyle.

    But I would have to agree that I suspect that the idea of Poly threesomes and moresomes might come from the context of someone's secret desires. Often, people just do not have a context for Poly-living, so they try to make it work in their own minds. I think that threesomes might make sense to them.

    I have a profile on a dating site. Sometimes I meet men for a date. More often than not, their biggest interest in me is to wrap their minds around Poly lifestyles and to get a first-hand view of what it is all about.

    But back to answering the question in this forum: I do not have an experience of the threesome assumption by others.

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  4. The thing about I have found about threesomes with the people I love is that it seems emotionally complicated. I have gone so far as to have both of my (male) honeys being amorous with me at the same time... but no nakedness together, and no sex or kissing below the waist. These aren't stated "rules" - it's just how things have turned out. Even when keeping things relatively tame, I have been nervous. I want to make sure that my loves are comfortable, but beyond that, that they are not feeling like they are in a contest for my love or attention. The experiences I have had were relaxed and pleasant... but I worried that if it had been more sexual than it was that it would have been awkward, or maybe even threatening to one or the other of my partners. I could be wrong about that... maybe we'll go further someday... but finding a time and place and emotional space that everyone is happy with is a delicate thing. It's additionally complicated by having one bisexual male partner, and one straight male partner... and making sure they are not only comfortable with me, but with whatever boundaries they create for themselves. The three of us snuggle together regularly, and that is lovely. My loves have no issues around holding each other and me, and often, that's enough.

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  5. @Kameshwari - Very good point that people are trying to put Poly in context and a threesome is as close as they can get.

    @Polly - I've heard the nervous comment from women before when contemplating an encounter with two men at once. The concerns seem focused on the ability to satisfy two people at once, competition between the guys, and concern about being overly dominated by the men. All valid in my book.
    I guess I've been lucky. The group situations I've been involved in were mostly spur of the moment and everyone was very respectful of one another while at the same time realizing there would be awkward moments and brushing them off lightly.
    I think the way you are taking it slowly is a good idea.

    Thank you both for the wonderful comments!
    PP

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  6. I agree with Kameshwari, if we don't understand something we give it a name or use language that we understand.

    I have never had anyone equate polyamory with threesomes. I did have a threesome with my husband and his girlfriend - it was hard for me to make sure hubby was taken care of because I was all about his girlfriend. Like Polly said it can become emotionally complicated, but that being said, it was one of the most beautiful and loving experiences I have ever had!

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  7. Shelly, thanks for the comment :)

    I think I'm seeing a theme here that women don't seem to hear the threesome assumption much so I'm really wondering if it is a 'guy thing' which is who I usually hear it from.
    I guess I either need more guys to speak up here or I'll have to put on a skirt and do some further research! ::laughs::

    PP

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  8. I think all of us in our quad have gotten the question regarding group sex (and from those who had no idea at the time that we met as swingers). And it could be that they don't have a context for polyamory. I will do some more thinking on that one.

    Group sex in whatever configuration our little group allowed hasn't been an issue in the past. It's worked for us and being with both my guys at the same time is not just sexually great but emotionally it is overflowing for me.

    The questions don't seem to bother me much. People not only fantasize about sex it is more understandable to them than feelings. They relate to sex with someone one else easier to love with more than one.

    As and aside...a question we get that may win out over the group sex is...how do you decide who to sleep with?

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  9. lovingmorethanone,

    I think you made a great point with the statement "They relate to sex with someone one else easier to love with more than one."

    I haven't had the "how do you decide who to sleep with?" question myself. I've been around groups though and heard that question so I agree that it is another popular question.

    Thanks for the comments!
    PP

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