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Friday, July 2, 2010

Seriously Casual.




Recently I reconnected with an online friend I have known for almost 20 years. We had lost touch for a few years as online friends sometimes do but easily picked up right where we had left off. Although she knew a lot about me she didn't know about my poly lifestyle. Without going into detail, she didn't know because we had a sort of business relationship in the past and I didn't feel it was appropriate. That situation has changed and now I can be open with her about my lifestyle.

Now that you have some background we can get to the interesting parts.

As we reconnected and I explained my poly lifestyle she had a lot of questions. I answered them as I always do, giving her a picture of my lifestyle and showing her that I'm still the same person she has always known. Being a fairly open minded woman she quickly became comfortable with my polyamory while at the same time, as many do, stating she didn't understand how I could live like that. Her feeling was that she could never live a polyamorous lifestyle because she wouldn't want to share her partner. Furthermore, she felt having multiple partners was much like having casual sex which she doesn't care for either.

Despite those differences we are still friends and both of us have always felt that if we someday met a romantic relationship would probably develop rather quickly.

At the same time we were discussing my lifestyle she was also telling me about a man she had met online. They usually talked several times a day on the telephone but had yet to meet and had only known each other a couple of weeks. He lived several hundred miles away so they hadn't had a chance to meet in person yet and she was excited about the possibility so they made plans to get together. They would both travel to meet somewhere though they were staying fairly close to where he lives. Long story short; they met, shared a hotel room for the weekend, had sex, and he took racy pictures of her. She came back home and the first phone call she got from him he was telling her that she was "to much for him" and he "needed to think about things".

Is anyone else as totally surprised as I was? (Yes, that is sarcasm).

Needless to say their conversations tapered off and finally ended completely. She got a few of the pics he took but not many. Of course she cried some tears, thought there was something wrong with her, and finally realized the guy was a jerk and probably never had any intentions of starting a relationship with her.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and she has found a new guy. Met online again, this one lives much closer so they were able to meet much quicker. After knowing him for 9 days guess what happened? Yep, they met and shared a hotel room for the weekend, had sex, and he took racy pictures of her. So far they are still talking. She is also helping him to start an internet business. Yep, I have a bad feeling about this one as well.

Oh, I forgot to mention. About the middle of February she left her husband. The divorce isn't final yet.

What I found interesting was that this woman said she couldn't do poly because she wouldn't want to share her partner or engage in what she considers casual sex. I actually think she has been sharing and doesn't know it. I'd bet a dollar the first guy she met has a wife hidden somewhere and that is why they met at a hotel close to where he lives.

As for casual, she has had more partners in the last month or two than I have had in the last year or so. Thinking about my last few partners; one I knew for over a year before we had sex, one for several months, and one for over 20 years. Of her last two partners she knew one a couple of weeks and one 9 days. Now I know that is longer than what some would consider "casual" but to me that is definitely casual.

I find it ironic that for some people the concept of polyamory becomes an issue of morality. The stigmas associated with poly let them believe it is somewhat morally unacceptable. Yet those same people will live a life, when judged by those same morals, that is questionable at best. It seems they can justify their lifestyle with two simple concepts; 1) Though they have a lot of partners they are monogamous, 2) Having sex with someone you don't know well is okay if you think you are falling in love with them.

Where do you sit with that last paragraph? Do you think the lifestyle of my friend that I've outlined here is acceptable or do you feel it is morally questionable? Of course I believe in live and let live so I'm not trying to judge my friend, I was just a bit surprised when the contrast struck me. Do you see the irony as I do, or am I playing with shadows on the wall that should just be ignored?

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