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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dreams vs. reality.

Everybody has dreams right? Dreams of a big house, nice car, lots of money, or even the perfect spouse. To be fair, some even have quite modest dreams and achieve them easily. And some people are better at chasing their big dreams than others.

So how do dreams fit into Polyamory?

The concept I'm talking about is your ideal relationship paradigm vs. realistic relationship paradigm. What do you dream to have vs. what you actually find, have created, or is available.

Personally I hope to someday have a small to medium sized poly family, either living together or spending so much time as a group that it feels like we all live together. There wouldn't be physical relationship requirements such as "group play" or anything like that. Only that everyone would share respect and love for one another.

Being a realist though, I realize that is very probably something that will possibly never happen. It is difficult finding a group of people who want to be together that much and all get along that well. And sharing a household? Even more difficult. Because of that I scale back my dreams and realize having multiple partners that occasionally spend time together socially is probably more realistic.

But I do know people who have their dreams and are committed to making them happen. They want the integrated family and have a very specific design in mind. Unfortunately what I see from those people a lot of the time is disappointment and heartache. They often find new partners and incorporate them quickly into their family only to find they don't fit later. The endings are usually uncomfortable and often ugly with screaming breakups and the family being shattered.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't follow your dreams but I do think there are a couple of options here.

One is the path I have chosen which is to have your dream but be realistic about achievement of the dream. I keep my eyes and mind open to the possibility of fulfilling my dream but accept other options that may be available.

Second is dedication to your dream. The active search for fulfillment that includes the rejection of anyone or any situation that doesn't support your dream. I think the key here is careful examination of potential partners or situations prior to incorporation in your life to avoid the ugly breakups I mentioned above.

The path I've chosen makes sense to me and fits my personality. That isn't to say the second option isn't viable or less attractive. I think either would work.

What I'm curious about here is how you have balanced your dreams vs. reality. More to the point, are there other realistic options for chasing your dream that avoid conflict and heartache? What have you tried that has or has not worked? Do you think your dream is realistic or almost completely impossible?


  1. I try not to have too many dreams. I like to give the Universe a chance to do its thing.

    My partner has a dream though that I'm helping make happen. He wants a triad, ultimately the living together kind. Very early stages and as you rightly seem to be suggesting in your post, we are taking things very slowly.

    Helping someone you love achieve their dream is a nice feeling and brings with it all kinds of unexpected rewards.

  2. Sage, thanks for the comment :)

    Helping someone achieve their dream is a good feeling. I hope your partner is able to experience that same pleasure someday.