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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Take my wife, please!

For once the title matches the article! Regular readers will realize that isn't normal but this time I couldn't think of something funnier.

And yes, this actually happened to me.
Recently while out with some friends the husband I were discussing his new partner and some frustrations he was having with his wife over his new partner. He casually made the comment that he was surprised I hadn't dated his wife yet. (We are all poly so it wouldn't be out of question). The conversation migrated to new topics and in the middle of something completely unrelated he blurted again that he was surprised his wife and I hadn't dated since we are both poly. I politely brushed off the comment and the conversation continued, again moving to other topics. Again, he made the same comment and added this time that maybe we should think about getting together. Glancing at his wife I was happy to notice she was smiling and not making gagging noises.

It was about that time I realized my friend was trying to setup his wife with someone and at the moment, it was me!

Now at the time of the conversation my friend had a new partner and his wife was having some issues. Apparently my friend thought some of those issues were based on her feeling left out since she didn't have a current partner other than her husband. He likely felt that if she had somewhere else to focus her attention she wouldn't be having so many issues with his new partner and some of his problems would be solved. Since we all know each other fairly well he could be comfortable knowing that I believe in sexual safety, wouldn't just be looking for some quick fun, and would have no interest in changing his relationship with his wife. In a sense, I'm safe.

Now that I understood what was happening the question became; What to do about it?

I've been in similar situations before but without the wife present and with the suggestion being made for different reasons. Most of the time I had seen it coming so I was prepared for the conversation. This time I was completely caught off-guard. His wife was also sitting there which made me feel a bit uncomfortable since I wasn't sure I was interested in her, and I would have wanted to completely understand his reasons for making the suggestion. Obviously if he was pushing her off on me to solve his own problems I wouldn't want to get involved. I also didn't want to hurt her feelings.

So I let it go and changed the subject once again. I think my friend got the hint because he didn't bring it up again. The wife and I have talked since then and agreed we are both open to the possibility but so far I haven't felt the spark of a connection on that level. She hasn't initiated any conversations indicating she has either.

A current partner of mine was also present for the conversation and later, after we had left the couple, she mentioned noticing the same things I had. That my friend seemed to be trying to setup his wife. She then suggested I take the opportunity, which is one of the reasons I love her but, that's another story.

I was left questioning the morality of trying to setup a partner. I know a lot of couples, particularly those unicorn hunting, do something similar. One partner will often shop for a new partner for them both as a couple. Typically the woman will try to find another woman to join her and her male partner. In my mind though, that is a bit different than trying to setup a partner with someone new in a one-on-one relationship. That almost feels like an arranged marriage of sorts.

Let me know where you stand on this one. Do you feel it is a bit inappropriate or totally okay? Obviously there would be concerns about this type of setup like; are the two people attracted to each other? But I'm talking more about the morality than the technicality. Would you have been offended had you been in my shoes? Would you have let it go? If not, how would you have handled the situation and not bruised their feelings?


  1. I would have probably handled it very similar to how you did.

    I do have one more possible scenario for you. The wife was smiling the whole time. It could be that she has expressed an interest in you to her husband and he was feeling you out on her behalf.

  2. Lovingmorethanone,

    Wow, thanks for blowing my mind. That is not a possibility I had even considered! And I'm usually devious enough to think of stuff like that. Great food for thought as always, thanks!

    As a follow-up, the woman did initiate a date with me shortly after the evening mentioned and we saw each other somewhat regularly for a few weeks but never progressed beyond friendship. We've not dated since then although we still talk infrequently and both seem to be happy with things as they are.