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Friday, December 24, 2010

Dear Santa. . .



Dear Poly Santa,

Yes, I'm assuming you are Poly because, well, it makes sense. Just look at all those cute little girl elves running around. I know Mrs. Claus is the bomb but lets face it, she just doesn't look to be rockin' it in the bedroom much and I'm betting she likes baking more than "cooking" these days. And, being at the South Pole your choice is elves or reindeer so. . .

Okay, I'm wayyyyyyy off track. Let me try this again.

Dear Poly Santa,

I hope you, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves ::snicker:: are doing well. I hear polar ice melting is a bitch even though global warming isn't real. Since you pretty much live on ice I would imagine your property values are declining drastically though with the addition of more beachfront property there could be an increase in tourist value. Have you. . .

Dammit. Off track AGAIN. Ok, trying this one more time.

Dear Poly Santa,

Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves ::giggle:: all have a wonderful celebration!

I know I haven't written you a wish list in a few years and I hope you will forgive me. Then again, I haven't seen presents from you under my tree for a while now so . . . nevermind, sorry, that was a bit petty. Anyway, I haven't really *wanted* for anything so I guess that explains my lack of correspondence with you. Ok, to the list. . .

First, can you do something about my kids getting older? I mean WTH? I blink and they are taller, smarter, and closer than ever to being able to kick my arse. I'm afraid if I blink again a bill for college will be sitting in front of me. That reminds me, I could use some eye drops.

Speaking of aging, could you help me out at all? I don't mind getting older. Hell, I seem to have more fun every year and sometimes even feel like I'm getting younger. Seriously, I'm writing a wish list to Santa. Something I haven't done since I was like 10 yrs old. I'm thinking of breaking out my Erector Set next. But dude, I'm not liking how I get cold easier, tired faster, and my hair is changing color in weird places.

Oh, Erector Set made me think of something else. You know those little blue pills Mrs. Claus slips you sometimes? Yeah, I know about them, don't act so surprised. Sophia, the elf, and I still talk even though she won't date me anymore. (I still don't think what Blitzen and I were doing was unnatural). Anyway, back to the question, I haven't had to use those yet and I would REALLY love it if you could make sure I never have to. K, Thx.

Ok, next on the list, the economy. Seriously, I know you are doing okay up there and everything. I mean, you keep hiring all the elves so there are none left where I live so you must be doing good. (By the way, you are KILLING my fetish dreams man.) Could you maybe quit ho-ho-hoing long enough to spread some of the wealth brother? Stop discriminating and hire full sized people or move your operations center down to the mainland. Remember the polar ice melting? Maybe you should think about that anyway. Ok, 'nuf said, I won't beat that dead reindeer any longer.

So, beside all that stuff maybe you can get me a few other things if you aren't busy? Love, compassion, understanding, consideration, and respect are always things I could use. Mainly because I keep giving all of mine away. Hmm, okay, maybe you better bring me double of those since I'll probably give them all away again anyway. It is really weird, people give me that stuff all the time but I always seem to run out. It is like fruit cake, know what I mean? Give it away, it comes back. Give it away, it comes back. It is like the haunted poltergeist food or something. I'm going to start tagging the damn things like wild animals and see if they come back. I'm thinking nobody ever eats them so there is just a fixed number of them floating around getting re-gifted every year. Sorry, I keep getting distracted today.

You know, reading this list over again it seems a bit pointless. I mean, do I REALLY need all this stuff? I'm pretty much happy with my life and don't sit around wishing for *things* constantly. I don't know that I'd say I'm blessed but, things are cool for the most part. I think I've just been missing you a lot lately. I remember when I would just shoot you a list and the stuff was under the tree a few days later. It was sooooo simple back then. (Except when you forgot the batteries that is. Not that I'm bitter about that!). You know, we had a good relationship back then. We understood each other. I'm really not sure why we even lost touch. Both got busy with our lives I guess. Anyway, skip the list my friend. I'm just happy to reconnect with you again and really do hope things are going well for you.

Love,
PP

P.S. If you could talk to Sophia I would appreciate it. I miss her a lot. Oh, and say Hi to Blitzen for me will ya? KThxBye.


Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you got my gift of a laugh or smile. Wherever you are, however you celebrate, or don't celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful day filled with love, laughter, and happiness.

All my best to you,
PP

2 comments:

  1. You had me laughing and entertained until I read and suspected that you've had a special relationship with Blitzen.

    Just wondering, but, when were you involved with Blitzen? Could it be that we were sharing?

    Merry, Merry, and Bright!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kameshwari, were you hooked up with Blitzen too?? For a reindeer he can be such a dog!!

    Glad you got a chuckle :)

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year wishes to you and yours!

    PP

    ReplyDelete