Thursday, December 9, 2010
A pinch of sexuality.
Recently some discussion on an article made me realize that I often sound like a prude. I frequently mention my believe that polyamory isn't about sex and anyone who reads my articles for a while will probably deduce that I'm not a big fan of casual sex either. More than a couple of people are probably looking at me and wondering what type of polyamorist I am if I'm not sleeping with anyone. I realized I didn't need to change my ways but that maybe I need to change the way I talk about my ways.
Sex has always been a private thing for me. I don't often gossip with the boys about my latest exploit and when I do I'm not as detailed as some guys. It isn't that I'm less sexual than other guys, in fact I've been told the opposite, but that rather somewhere in my evolution sex was filed under "Top Secret" in the filing system used by my brain. If I had to guess it would be due to the fact my parents were very private sexually. I never saw my father grab Mom's butt, breast, or other parts. They never made suggestive comments in front of us kids and I can't remember ever catching them in a compromising situation. They almost always held hands when I was younger, and often do today, and give each other quick kisses when appropriate. I find myself acting in much the same way with my partners in front of my own children.
At times I'm able to be more open about my sexuality, usually when I'm in a group of friends who are quite open. Polyamory seems to attract people who are more open about sexuality and that is where I seem to lose some of my privacy inhibitions. Over the past several years I've enjoyed a group of friends who regularly held "play parties" which included a healthy dose of nudity and group sexual activities. Although I became somewhat comfortable having sex in front of others, sequential partners in a group setting or casual sex with someone I don't know well still isn't something that appeals to me. I've also been fortunate to have had partners who have let me explore mild BDSM, both giving and receiving, and I've learned I'm more of a dominant than a submissive. I've had the opportunity for a few threesomes, done some role playing, and probably had sex in more than my share of interesting locations. A big eye opener for me was discovering, just a couple of years ago, that I am a bit bisexual through a couple of different encounters. Although I don't have a strong interest in the opposite sex, I've found a few people that peaked my interest and I'm no longer afraid of exploring that part of myself.
Currently one of my partners practices sex magik, something we hope to explore together at some point. For now we are busy exploring D/s a bit with collaring and some bondage. In the past we have had the opportunity to include others in our sex life and both hope to explore that more as well. During the year we attend "play parties" as they come up and a couple of annual events where some of our relationship rules are suspended based on the nature of the events. Safety and respect remain however we both have the freedom to explore more casual encounters. Something which neither of us have really taken advantage of so far, probably because we already have a satisfying and safe sexual relationship. This same partner has told me before that due to my sexual appetite, both in frequency and variety, she finds it hard to keep up with me and I need to find another girlfriend, something which I have been able to do recently. Though I have known my new partner a long time, the sexual aspect of our relationship is somewhat new. Yet it appears we both have interests that have the potential for a very sexually charged and challenging exploration of new areas together.
I'm also a bit cautious including a lot of sex in my articles for other reasons. My hope was that this blog would become something of a resource with good active discussions. Though I'm not hesitant to discuss sex, I didn't want that to become the focus on these pages. In trying to achieve that goal I may have pulled back too much giving the impression that the sexual aspect of polyamory isn't important to me when in fact it is important.
Hopefully this has provided some insight about who I am and that yes, I do have a healthy sexual appetite. Going forward I hope to be more open about sexuality and include it more often in articles. I am glad I had a paradigm shift which made me realize there was something missing from my writing. Thanks to you readers who helped me see that and please, don't ever hesitate to "call me on the carpet" if you think something is missing or don't agree with what I'm saying. I'm not perfect, and I don't know more than any of you. I'm just the person who started this blog hoping for a place where we can all help each other.
All the best,