Ask Polyamory Paradigm

Check out my new question and answer blog!
AskPolyamoryParadigm

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Once upon a hickie. . .



See if this sounds familiar to you. . . . . .

The little girl is around 5 years old and begins socializing in Kindergarten. Innocently, she gives a friend a peck on the cheek or likes holding hands with the little boys in her class. Adults around her encourage her, saying how cute she is and taking pictures. They may even tease her about having a boyfriend so young!

A few years later and the girl is around 10+ years old. Her family asks her constantly if she has a boyfriend yet. When she replies she doesn't like boys they are in shock, asking her why not and teasing her that soon she will like them quite a bit.

A few more years go by and our little girl is now 15 years old, give or take. The age where everything is romantic and as a young teen girl she devours classic and modern dramatic romance novels and movies like jellybeans. She has discovered boys though she is shy about admitting it and soon has her first real boyfriend.

Her family encourages her and takes things fairly serious. They want to meet the boy, know about him, have him over for dinner, question his life plans. Things are going well for everyone it seems.

A few months, maybe even a year pass while our sweet girl dates her boy. They have their bumps with a few disagreements but seem to be working things out well. At the same time the relationship seems to be progressing at a nice pace for everyone. Until the day the girls comes home with a hickie. Or maybe a cute cheap ring or questions about birth control.

Then the advice changes. Suddenly we are telling her there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why tie yourself down to one person? How can you know what you want, you have only had one boyfriend? And my personal favorite; Life is short, why date one person, go out and enjoy yourself!!

Oh, by the way, stay a virgin.

Then later the advice is; Maybe you need to stop dating for a while. Concentrate on school. Figure out what you want to do with your life. Boys are a distraction you don't need right now. Oh, by the way, have fun in college it should be the best time of your life.

A few more years go by and if our girl has somehow followed our advice up to this point she is dating maybe, but not serious with anyone. Once again, the advice changes. Are you going to be single forever? Why don't you finally settle down with a nice boy? But yes, it is implied, just settle down with one. Commit yourself to someone.

Is it any wonder people get their sexuality screwed up? By the time our little girl is an adult we have given her advice ranging from chastity to promiscuity and variety to exclusivity. But the child isn't the problem, we as parents are. Why would our (parents) advice change so dramatically? Because we hope to control the child and steer them in the path we, and society, think is appropriate?

Maybe an even better question is how, considering the above path which I think is fairly common, did some of us end up polyamorous?

Maybe holding onto our childhood is the key. Maybe that is what poly people have done? They heard the advice when they were teens and stopped listening so they never heard anyone tell them to settle down. Get married. Or maybe they heard it and mentally said "Why the hell would I do that? I'm having a great time, things are working out wonderfully. I'm not changing a darn thing!!"

Does the above sound familiar? Was that a path you followed in life? What do you think of the advice I've outlined here?

Assuming that you are poly on some level since you are reading this blog, was the above advice given to you growing up? If so, how or what caused you to overcome it and find the poly lifestyle?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Monogamous polyamory?

I recently read an article by a writer who writes a relationship column about current relationship trends. A self-professed committed monogamist, this writer had interviewed a polyamorous person and was surprised to find that they supported monogamy. More than supported it actually, they believed it to be a natural relationship model.

What struck me was the writers surprise. I'm not sure why I was surprised by their surprise, but I was. I shouldn't have been since I have had many conversations with monogamous folks who are sadly ignorant about polyamory and polyamorous people. Many attack polyamory as unnatural or an excuse to be sexually promiscuous. Those same people are quite surprised when after attacking my polyamorous lifestyle I will then defend their monogamous lifestyle. Quite literally they can't wrap their head around the paradigm.

At the same time most of the polyamorous people I speak with are not only supportive of monogamy, but of most lifestyle choices. Sure there are the polyamorists who think monogamy is unnatural and look down upon it but they are the minority. Most agree that while they can function as polyamorous, there are those who can function only monogamously and trying to do otherwise would result in failure.

Why are polyamorous people tolerant if not respectful of other relationship types while monogamous people tend to be intolerant of polyamory?

I think it has to do with polyamory still being considered an alternative lifestyle. Most of us are raised with monogamy as the accepted model. TV shows display it, laws recognize it, and most aspects of our daily lives accept it as the norm. Think about it. When was the last time you filled out a form allowing you to list multiple spouses? Because it is somewhat programmed into our brains those of us who choose polyamory are by default accepting of other relationship models and lifestyles. Those who live monogamously largely do so because of programming or a desire for conformity. Of course there are those who make the choice for monogamy but for the most part I think that is rare.

This contemplation has led me to a new way of thinking. The next time I am faced with someone who argues that polyamory is not natural, will create chaos in the universe, and is the cause of everything from the failure of the nuclear family to global warming, I will take a different approach. Instead of trying to defend myself or prove their monogamous paradigm is flawed I will try much harder to realize why they feel that way. (Not that I usually argue the point but the perspective works for this article.) I will let them know that despite their lack of respect for my lifestyle, I not only respect theirs but will defend it as a viable model. Maybe that will defuse the conversation a bit and allow them to realize that we polyamorists aren't trying to change them and take over the world.

Polyamory is about loving multiple people, not world domination right?

So how do you react when your lifestyle choice, whatever it might be, is attacked or misunderstood aggressively?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Not again!!!

Time for a new theory. This one is called the Committed Hit and Run.

Once upon a time :grin: there was a couple named Lucy and Desi. I knew both of them but not well. I usually saw Desi once a week and we would have a chance to chat. Lucy I saw maybe once a month to talk. However, I would see each of them regularly in the course of my day.

Lucy and Desi were in love and bought a house together. They were happy for a while until Lucy's lazy son moved in. Then her druggie stripper daughter moved in. Desi was not happy and after some arguing, thrown cell phones, police appearances, and a restraining order or two, Desi moved out.

Probably a wise choice you are thinking. But that was just the beginning.

The two tried to maintain a friendship with Desi helping Lucy out with home repairs, the two joining a sports league together, and running into each other at their favorite bar regularly. Of course the relationship became more serious again, so they started dating once more to see if things could work out.

Fast forward a bit and the history is ridiculous. Each had other partners so there were accusations of infidelity thrown about. There were the phone calls checking up on each other, finding each other on internet dating sites, spying on each others cell phone and internet accounts, you name it.

Now here we are a year later and a pattern has emerged. Lucy and Desi are dating seriously and Desi is talking about moving back home. Then something happens and they have a fight. One or the other will then find a new partner for a week or so. During that time both are adamant it was the other persons fault and they will never be together again. After another week they will be talking again. A few more days and a date or two, and they are sleeping together again. A few more days and Desi is talking about moving back home. A few more days and the cycle repeats. Over and over and over again.

Noticing this pattern and how it appears they both enjoy finding new partners on a somewhat regular basis I opened my big mouth and suggested polyamory to each of them. Lucy flat out denied the concept maintaining she was a traditional girl and somewhat of a purist. Desi reacted as many men do who don't fully understand the concept and chuckled, winked, said it sounded like a lot of fun, then continued with his pattern of loving and hating Lucy.

What I don't get is why people would want that kind of drama in their lives? After speaking with both of them it seems that by breaking up they can each justify going out and finding a new partner without feeling like they are cheating on the other person. Fair enough. But aren't there simpler ways to achieve the same goal?

Part of me thinks the problem is communication. They both like to believe they are adhering to the expectations of society. It also seems they are unwilling to admit their desires openly to one another. I also think part of the problem is that they want to appear to be a 'normal' couple. Being polyamorous might mean their friends would find out and they wouldn't be 'normal' anymore.

So where are you at with this one? Do you know someone who behaves like this? Have you behaved like this in the past? Do you think polyamory is a solution or that Lucy and Desi have bigger problems? What would your solution be?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sexual Love

Sometimes as many of you know I have very strange conversations with very normal seeming people. For once I got to have a conversation with someone who seemed a bit unusual at first but revealed themselves as being normal.

I was having a conversation with a young lady who is fairly active in the poly social circles where I live. She knows most everyone, attends a lot of functions, and has dated her share of folks. Although she is knowledgeable about a variety of subjects and attends many unusual events (rituals, worship circles, etc.) she isn't overly spiritual nor does she tend to get deeply involved in the events.

We were having a conversation about general poly topics, sharing our likes and dislikes with each other, types of people we date, things of that nature. A couple of times the conversation drifted to people in the community who were sexually focused.

One of her comments was something like, "I'm a bit frustrated with the number of people who just want sex". I let her know that although I agreed and people looking purely for sex within the poly community were frustrating, I couldn't blame someone for wanting sex and being focused about it. I mean really, sex is fun. At least, if you are doing it right!

The conversation drifted a bit and I found us talking about poly breakups and the end of relationships. Specifically, how some people feel the need to completely walk away from a person and even end friendships when romantic relationships end. A concept neither of us agrees with in the least. We both tend to believe relationships are dynamic and just because a physical or deeply connected emotional relationship doesn't last it doesn't mean love will end or the friendship needs to dissolve.

This was the point at which I threw out a theory I've had for a while now called Sexual Love. The idea that some people confuse a sexual relationship with love. Happily the girl I was chatting with easily connected the dots and agreed with my theory, lending it some validity.

From there we both recounted numerous relationships that seemed to have a definitive sexual requirement. Once that requirement was removed all aspects of the relationships dissolved. Both of us believing as we do we each had several relationships where we had decided to stop sleeping with someone in an effort to refocus on other parts of the relationship, or had done so because parts of the relationship were becoming a concern. We had each experienced failure of the entire relationship shortly thereafter. And we each remembered being told if there was no sexual relationship then there was no relationship at all.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I imagine I am so my theory is as follows; I believe some people equate being desired with being loved. The epitome of desire for them is for someone to want them physically. Physical consummation then provides the validity that they are indeed loved.

That's a pretty general description but going into detail would easily triple the length of this article and I know you are already bored. What I'm curious about is if others have encountered this behavior? Is it something you think is widespread or rare? Are you possibly one of the people I'm talking about? If so, how has that behavior worked for you with respect to relationships?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

You will go blind if you do that!!



Stuff bugs me sometimes. I try to hide it, turn the other cheek, ignore it, suppress it, or fixate on it incessantly if none of the previous options have worked. The one bugging me right now is that I'm going to hell.

That's right folks, I'll be right there with you getting the old un-lubricated pitchfork. Yippie.

Ok seriously, I had another one of 'those' conversations with someone that I just have to share.

I had just admitted I was poly in a mixed crowd. Yes, I know, mistake #1 most probably. The inevitable questions about threesomes, group sex, and all that yummy stuff were being tossed about and I was answering (defending?) myself as best I could. One young lady whom I don't know well said something like, "So you sleep with different people at the same time?"
Me: Yes. Well, not at exactly the same time but essentially, yes.
Her: Don't you worry about disease?
Me: Yes, which is why we are very careful.
Her: Well, that's how diseases are spread.
Me: -puzzled look on face-
Her: That's like masturbation. You could go blind.
Me: -mouth now hanging open, puzzled look still on face-
Her: Okay, you won't really go blind.
Me: Oh good. . .
Her: But you are going to hell.

I had thought she was pulling my leg but at that point I realized she wasn't. This woman truly believed that I would go to hell for acting contrary to what some religions dictate is appropriate behavior.

Now, you are probably wondering about the rest of the conversation but there really wasn't one. I've engaged with people in the past who have what I consider to be illogical beliefs. The result usually is that although logic doesn't support their position they refuse to abandon it for more solid footing. I end up using logic to argue against the position "That's just how it is, no matter what you say". Much like trying to eat a soup sandwich with your fingers. I have learned from those experiences so instead of trying to argue the point that I'm going to hell I will accept it as predestined, unavoidable, and possibly even karmic in nature. I'm going to enjoy it!

Until the day I am removed from my earthly body I will be the best hedonist I can. I will still squish bugs that catch me by surprise or are particularly aggressive about injuring me. I'll continue to drive a vehicle that burns fossil fuels until something better is invented, drink alcohol, smoke, eat foods I enjoy, and use foul language when cut-off on the freeway. And yes, I will continue to have physical relationships with more than one person at a time.

Maybe the next time I see the woman mentioned above I will also have a new response for her; "The God of which you speak loves all of his/her children and I was theoretically created in his/her image so I think he/she will completely understand how I can love more than one person at a time. And if by chance I am wrong, and your God wishes to judge me harshly for how I have loved in my life, I will beg only for him/her to withhold forgiveness. For his/her Heaven (or Nirvana or whatever) is not a place where I would want to exist."

So raise your hands folks. Who else will I be spending time in hell with? All poly's go to hell, right?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Saturday night and I need a date!


No, this isn't my version of a personal's ad. I'm not going to tell you I like sunsets, walks on the beach or in the rain. How I want someone with a brain or how I don't need someone in my life but want someone to share it with. You aren't going to hear about the lovely color of my eyes or how my smile is the first thing people notice.


Oh wait, I just did tell you all those things.


Did all of that sound familiar? If it did chances are you have been surfing internet dating sites.


Ask a few poly folks how they meet other poly folks and often the topic of internet dating sites will come up. Most of us have heard of, have profiles with, or placed ads on; PolyMatchMaker aka. PMM, or Ok Cupid aka. OKC. Sometimes other sites like Match, Plenty of Fish aka. POF, or even Ashley Madison pop up in conversation.


Although I've heard the names, and even used some of the sites myself, what I don't hear a lot is that they have worked for anyone. Yes, a few people have met other people from the sites in real life. Some have even dated for a period of time. And, after working with internet related social sites and service providers on and off for many years, I have even heard the rare story of internet dating resulting in a marriage. But in general most people seem to think the sites aren't much help.


Many of the poly community complaints focus on the fact that most dating sites aren't geared for the poly lifestyle. The relationship status choices are insufficient to say the least, or there is no way to link with multiple partners to show you are searching as a group. Something else I've noticed is that I already know most of the poly people I find when searching locally on dating sites.


Another complaint I've heard, mainly from poly women, is about the number of e-mails they get that are "Let's do it" e-mails vs. an e-mail that talks about the persons interests. Or put another way, proposition e-mails from guys thinking poly girls are easy vs. e-mails seriously interested in a relationship.


The question of the day is; How have dating sites worked out for you? Assuming you use them, do you use mainly the ones I have mentioned already or have you found a new, unknown gem that is yielding hundreds of nubile, sexy, relationship potentials? And not just the bad, but what good things do you have to say about dating sites?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Lab Rat

As regular readers of my articles already know, I often find myself in the middle of some interesting conversations. Not having had any of those conversations recently I was a bit bored and decided to sacrifice myself in the name of science and sign up for a clinical study on a new medication. When I showed up I was expecting to provide a medical history, blood, urine, the usual fun stuff.

But for me it doesn't seem like the usual stuff is ever usual and so during the interview phase. . .

Her: Are you sexually active?
Me: Yes. -she scribbles
Her: And you will be telling your wife about this study, correct?
Me: No. -starts to scribble then looks up at me
Her: Why not?
Me: I'm not married. -she scribbles
Her: Oh, okay, your girlfriend then?
Me: You mean my partner.
Her: Partner? Oh, yes, your partner. -she scribbles again
Me: Partners.
Her: I'm sorry?
Me: Partners. Plural. Partners with an s.
-silence, then she looks up
Her: Um, yes, your partners. -I could tell she was wondering if I was gay at that point.
Me: I'm poly.
-starts to scribble then stops.
Her: You're what?
Me: I'm polyamorous.
Her: Umm. . .
Me: I have multiple simultaneous relationships.
Her: Oh -she blushes a little
-I smile
Her: Okay, what we are concerned with here is that one of your partners could become pregnant while you are participating in this study and taking the medication. We really don't want that to happen.
Me: I understand. That was outlined in the consent paperwork you sent me.
Her: Oh good, you read it all then.
Me: Yes.
Her: Okay. So then you agree to use at least one method of contraception while in this study? -starts to scribble.
Me: No.
Her: No?
Me: Pregnancy isn't a concern.
Her: It isn't?
Me: Nope, I've had a vasectomy.
Her: Oh. Well. I guess we don't need to worry about pregnancy then do we?
Me: Well, I'm sure I don't anyway.
Her: Oh, -laughs- of course. Ok, just let me make a note you were fixed and we'll continue.
Me: Fixed? I wasn't aware I was broken.
Her: Oh, I'm sorry, I mean that you had a vasectomy.

At this point she turned beet red and was obviously embarrassed. She excused herself to go check on something or another and left the room. To my surprise when she returned there were absolutely no further questions about sexual activity.

In fairness I have to say I actually enjoyed this conversation and yes, I was screwing with her a bit. But I didn't feel that bad about it when I thought of the assumptions that are made by people every day. People generally assume you are hetrosexual and monogamous in your sexual orientation, anything else throws them for a loop.

In closing, maybe this wasn't a completely Poly oriented article but I hope it gave you a chuckle.

Have you had any conversations like this lately? When you do, do you tend to mess with people a little like I do? What do you think of sexual orientation assumptions?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mary had a little lamb.

Once upon a time (I just love starting articles that way) I had a girlfriend. We started dating when I was about 15 yrs old. Like all teens we had our ups and downs and eventually went our separate ways. She married, had kids and I did the same. During that time we stayed friends though our communications were sporadic. After we both divorced we tried dating a couple of times but things just never really developed beyond a good friendship with the occasional physical venture, or adventure if you prefer.

Now that you know the history we can get down to the gritty pieces with a girl we'll call Lucy.

During the history I have outlined Lucy has pretty much been a serial monogamist. She comes from a fairly strict Christian family so my lifestyle is somewhat of a problem. Over the years I've explained to her my Polyamorous beliefs. And we talk enough, about the details of our lives, for her to know how I manage my relationships.

I've watched her enter into relationship after relationship, with guy after guy, who cheats on her. Lies to her. Hides things from her. I've heard about the guys she later found out were married. The guys who had other girlfriends. The guys who only wanted sex and dumped her soon after they got it.

Most recently the drama was a guy she was dating who was also dating another woman. Both Lucy and the other woman thought they were having a relationship with the guy. Thanks to the wonders of Facebook they both realized what was going on. The guy's response; "I'm not in a relationship with either of you." Obviously his way of saying; "I didn't lie to you". I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say no, he didn't lie. But he wasn't forthcoming about a situation he created that he knew was wrong.

What struck me about this was Lucy's reaction. She told the guy they could still be friends and even hinted she might be willing to continue dating him as long as he didn't hide the fact he was dating another woman.

Now for the rest of this to make sense I need to admit that I love Lucy. I'm honestly not sure of the depth of that love but I do know that were I unable to ever have a romantic relationship with her, I would still love her. We have shared enough of our lives and our emotions that I will always care for her.

What doesn't make sense is that Lucy doesn't want a romantic relationship with me because of my lifestyle. She doesn't like the idea of 'sharing' me with someone else and the concept of Polyamory conflicts with her Christian beliefs. Yet I won't lie to her about dating others or the details of those relationships, I would have no reason to cheat, and would definitely want a relationship more substantial than just sex.

Why is it that some monogamists often will come to accept infidelity, dishonesty, and betrayal in their relationships after having successive relationship failures most of their lives. It is almost as if after a certain number of failures we begin to believe the flaw must not be in the people, but in the design, and the flaws will need to be accepted for the design to work.

Strangely, while accepting those flaws, the same people will still disapprove of Polyamory claiming that it is a flawed design that disrupts the sanctity of marriage, family values, morality, and a number of other things.

Which leads us to my question of the day. Assuming a monogamist has come to the point I mention above, where the flaws are accepted, what makes their relationship design different from Polyamory? They may be having a relationship with someone who is sleeping with someone else. Granted, they will be hiding it or lying about it, but beyond that are Poly and Mono much different? To push the point, I think Poly would be preferable then as it would exclude the bad parts of the relationship like lying, deceit, etc.

Have you noticed this same progression of events with your life, or with your friends lives? Do you think people come to a point in their lives or relationships where Polyamory and Monogamy overlap or are very closely related? Or once again, am I alone in the cornfield suffering delusions from excessive use of moonshine?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

You and me and you, a threesome!

If you have ever had this conversation, raise your hand. . .

Me: "I'm Polyamorous."
Them: "Oh, so you have like two girlfriends right?"
Me: "Yep"
Them: "Cool, so you have lots of threesomes and stuff right?"
Me: "Nope."
Them: "But I thought that's what 'you' do?"

Blah, blah, blah after that as you struggle to explain what Polyamory is actually all about. Or maybe you are just tired of trying to explain it and say, "Yep. Every night. All night long. All we ever do is threesomes. In the bed, on the floor, in the shower, front yard, back yard, in the car, on the roof. Wherever we can, threesomes."

What exactly is poly about a threesome?

Yes I love each of my partners. Yes, I have physical relationships with each of them. Does that require me to try and have a physical relationship with each of them at the same time? No.

Why is there an assumption that if I love more than one person, those two people must love each other as well. Personally when I think about multiple partners the last thing I want is to have two people who are exactly the same. To some extent I would like them to be different if not opposite. At that point would they even be interested in each other, let alone to the extent of being lovers? I doubt it.

I'm not even sure what makes people think I would be capable of satisfying two women at the same time. Yes yes, I know I am a virile young ::cough: stud ::laughs:: with supreme sexual powers ::snort:: beyond those imaginable. ::chuckle:: But maybe both my partners would be just as proficient so even with my exceptional prowess ::chortle:: I wouldn't be able to meet their demands.

I could go around in circles with this one for a while, and in fact I did. I even got within a cats whisker of deleting this article because I really didn't feel it was going anywhere. Although I didn't understand why it bothered me so much when people talk about threesomes and poly in an assumptive manner in the same sentence I realized I needed to pay attention to this blog title. Polyamory Paradigm. I needed a paradigm shift! That's when I saw the question from a different perspective.

Rather than thinking the relationship between threesomes and polyamory was an assumption I realized it was very possibly a desire! That maybe the people putting those two things together are doing so out of a suppressed desire for a threesome. They need to think Polyamory would give someone an acceptable, approved method of having a threesome!!

Thinking about it a bit more, it makes sense. Often in conversations I've had where I've had to correct the assumption about threesomes my correction is met with disbelief. I have even had people say "Well what's the point then?" after explaining things to them. They have even argued the point saying things like "Well you could have a threesome, right?" or "Well if you could have a threesome, why haven't you?"

I am bugged quite a bit when people make the assumption that my partners and I all have group sex every night. I think because it feels demeaning to my beliefs. Seriously, I wonder how those same people would feel if I assumed because they are married or have a girlfriend they were having sex every night. And how they would feel if, after they tell me they aren't having sex every night, I looked at them like they had three heads or are mentally handicapped and asked them what was wrong with them or their mate. But writing this article has helped me see things a bit differently. Maybe I can be more tolerant of the question in the future.

How about you? Does the threesome assumption bother you? Do you even get asked the threesome question when telling people you are poly? And if so, do you think it could be a secret desire by people to have threesomes? Or do you think there is some other reason for the threesome assumption?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Just who do you think you are?!

A while back Polyamorymom made a comment about writing her blog anonymously. She cited an article about someone being fired from their job over their sex blog to explain her use of a pseudonym. (A copy of the article should be available here: http://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/05/nonprofit-fires-woman-for-blogging-about-sex.html).

I thought about it a bit and realized I had been assuming people reading this blog were familiar with Polyamory and would understand why I use a pseudonym. Maybe that is a false assumption. So in this article I will explain a little bit.

As of the writing of this article Polyamory is still considered an Alternative Lifestyle and frowned upon by many. For reasons I don't completely agree with, a person using their real name on a blog could be linked back to an employer. In many employers opinion the lifestyle of the blogger could reflect negatively on the employer. The article at the link provided above gives an example of just that very thing happening.

Where I see disparity is that the same employers will often think nothing of taking clients out for drinks at the local bar. One could infer from such actions that the company promotes or encourages drinking. So what, you might think, drinking is a legal activity. Yes it is, but so is Polyamory. Even more interesting is that same company would likely fire an employee who drank at a party and posted pictures of their actions on a public site like Facebook. That seems like a contradictory policy to me.

Next up is discrimination. Using a real name gives people the ability to research you personally and financially. For some things, such as LinkedIn, Plaxo, or other social networking sites where the goal is a professional network that might be just fine. But do you really want some religious extremist who takes issue with Polyamory finding your address and doing something wonderful like burning a cross in your front yard? I know I don't.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I happen to have children. They are the innocent ones of which I'm speaking. Although I don't go to pains to hide my lifestyle, I also don't broadcast it to their friends, their friends parents, my neighbors, etc. I choose to keep my private life private to save my kids from having to answer the same silly questions about Poly that I often find myself answering. And to save them from the same disdain I have received from some people who don’t agree with my lifestyle. How will it effect my kids when they aren't allowed to play with their friends anymore after their parents find out I live a Poly lifestyle? Again, I don't like the choice but it is the best one I can find for my kids.

Hopefully all of that has explained why I write under a pseudonym.

What that doesn't explain is how I feel about doing so. I hate it. I really hope that someday people living any kind of lifestyle won't have to fear discrimination or persecution. They won't have to worry how it will affect their families or feel fear over their lifestyle choices. I don't like that I can't show my real face to my readers or let them know my real name so they can read my other, non-lifestyle related, writings. I don't like having to worry that I may someday be fired from my job because of my lifestyle or the things I write.
I don't like that I have to hide myself.