Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The juicy details.
The other night I went on a date with Lucy and we had an awesome time! We had such great conversation at dinner that we decided to go back to her place and continue talking. Well, one drink turned to two and the next thing I knew we were making out on the couch! She is such a good kisser she really blew my mind! And then she blew. . . well, you know. I was amazed how good she is in bed. The woman can bend like a gymnast! And she did this thing in the middle of sex I have GOT to tell you about. . .
That is probably not the conversation you want to have with one of your partners about a date you had. And if you have had that kind of conversation with your partner, count yourself lucky. You either have a very easygoing partner, a very solid relationship, or both. I'm assuming it must be one of those because anything less and they probably would have murdered you in your sleep and you wouldn't be reading this.
The topic today, if you haven't guessed it already, is how much detail to give your partner about a date you have had. This will probably apply to the question of how much detail to give your partner about time you spend with your other partner(s), or OSO's if you prefer.
From the example above it is easy to imagine getting carried away and giving your partner far more information than they ever wanted. Seeing the horrified look on their face, or tears running down their cheeks, is not the time to realize you overstepped and told them too much.
The only hard rule I have about dates, or time with OSO's, is that I want to know it happened. I also make it clear to my partners from the beginning that I won't hide time I spend with others and will at least casually mention I had a "date". From there I usually follow the guidelines below.
I prefer to let my partner tell me how much detail they would like. Then I usually give them just a bit less than what they have asked for. If they respond by asking for more details I will give more but again, just a bit less than what they asked for. This allows them to guide the conversation and stop it before they acquire more information than they want. It also assumes they will stop themselves before getting information that will hurt them.
I follow it up by asking how the information makes them feel, and if they have concerns or feelings about it that we need to discuss. Did I give them too much detail? Did I do anything they didn't like? And if I need to change how we talked, what should I do different in the future?
For me, this method has worked well but I think it important to note that it is only one small piece of dealing with jealousy and other issues.
I've heard of couples that have "Don't ask, don't tell" type rules where neither party wants to know anything, particularly details. I've found I do better with some information but maybe not the nitty-gritty details. Insufficient information and my imagination runs wild, I end up feeling jealous. To much information and I begin to question if I need to change my behavior to make my partner happier, acting more like the person they have told me about.
I have also heard of couples that like every detail, down to every kiss and caress, because it adds excitement to their relationship. I'm not completely sure how that works so I can't comment on it much other than to say if it works for them, yay!
So what type of detail do you provide your partners? Is there a method you use, and what is it? Maybe more importantly, what do you not do to preserve your partners happiness when having conversations about your dates?