Ask Polyamory Paradigm

Check out my new question and answer blog!
AskPolyamoryParadigm

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Light at the end of the Unicorn tunnel?

Lately one of the message boards I follow has been exploding with the usual conversations about Unicorns.

On one side of the fence we have the Unicorn Hunters. Those couples, usually M/F, who are looking for the hot bi babe to join them in a relationship. Now, the definition of a "relationship" differs from couple to couple with some wanting just a "playtoy" at times, others wanting a relationship with emotional depth but the Unicorn being subordinate, and others want the equality of a true family. The methods they use range from the couple hunting together and being very direct, to one partner shopping for them both. Their complaints vary from not finding Unicorns at all to being unable to find a Unicorn undamaged by other hunters who is open to the type of relationship they propose.

On the other side we have the Unicorns. Many of them have their own complaints about finding appropriate couples. Often they find couples where one partner quickly becomes jealous. Stories of couples proposing a three-way emotionally equal relationship that quickly turns to the Unicorn being subordinate to the existing relationship abound. Another common story; only one partner in the existing relationship is actually interested in adding another person while the other partner is just "going with the flow", a situation that turns ugly quickly.

Those of you who read my blog regularly know I have something of a fixation on the whole Unicorn vs. Unicorn Hunter paradigm. This is probably because I have a relationship with a hot bi babe who is regularly approached by Unicorn Hunters. I've also seen firsthand her frustration with finding viable relationships. Another reason for my fascination, I must admit in all fairness, is that we (she and I) are Unicorn Hunters ourselves, in a fashion. I say "in a fashion" because I would classify us more as interested in Unicorns than actually hunting them. We don't approach Unicorns as a couple, we prefer to try and recognize a connection naturally. We don't even search for new partners as a couple but only as individuals. Neither of us require new partners to be involved with us both but if there is a connection between the three of us we will make the option known. We don't even have requirements that we look for as a couple. Essentially, we are open to the possibility of adding a third to our relationship but not actively pursuing the idea.

Reading the posts on the message board I mentioned got me to thinking about Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters. I put aside my usual frustration with Unicorn Hunters who present themselves deceptively, effectively damaging the Unicorns with which they come in contact. I stepped off my soap-box of defensiveness around the poor Unicorns that are constantly attacked by needy couples. And I thought about the experiences my SO and I have had with Unicorns.

We (more she than we actually) have had quite a few encounters with Unicorn Hunters but only a very few encounters with Unicorns we thought might be a fit with us. What I realized is that often Unicorns aren't any more honest, open, or ethical than the Unicorn Hunters. I'm also realizing something of a theme and similarity between Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters. They quite often misrepresent what they want, claiming interest in my SO and I as a couple when actually they are only interested in one of us. With couples that is usually my SO, the hot bi babe. With females the interest is often with me. What we have ended up with frequently is an attempted relationship with someone only to quickly find they can't fake interest in both of us when they are really only interested in one of us. My SO usually seems less surprised by this than I am. I am very open and direct about things from the beginning with new partners. I'm also a realist so I know sometimes relationships fail and you can't know until you try. At the same time I get extremely frustrated when I find someone has misrepresented themselves and tried to build a relationship based on the misrepresentation.

This has led me to something of a paradigm shift in my perspectives on Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters. Where in the past I felt somewhat repulsed by Unicorn Hunters and sympathy for Unicorns, I'm beginning equalize those feels. I'm feeling much less turned-off by Unicorn Hunters, though I still think many have ignored issues. I'm also feeling a lot less sympathy for Unicorns who, on the message boards I've been reading, seem to constantly be given sympathy and regarded as the ones being "wronged" in the Unicorn vs. Unicorn Hunter situation when in actuality Unicorns aren't universally without blame. In the end, I'm realizing both have their problems and stereotyping either group into a category of right or wrong is unfair.

What say you?

No comments:

Post a Comment