Saturday, April 23, 2011
It is 3:30 AM. I am awake. I am not happy about this.
Yes, I said 3:30 AM. 0300 hrs. This isn't the ass crack of dawn, it is above that. Before that. Above even the top curve of the ass. Above where the first hint of a depression appears, the lower (like way lower) back even. It is so friggin' early that if I turned around fast I would probably see yesterday. Yep, that early.
Anyway, so here I am laying in bed wondering why I am awake so early. My mind starts running and I am pretty much done with sleep. Hell, I am already processing the day ahead. But, I fight it. Trying to find a comfortable spot that will put me back to sleep. Yeah, that comfortable spot must have woken up before me and is downstairs making coffee or something because it sure as hell doesn't exist in my bed anymore. Dammit. I might as well get up and get started on my day. There are always emails to answer, articles to finish writing, events to post, and planning to be done. That's just my stuff, then I have real work it would be nice to get ahead of for once.
That was about the time that my life choices bit me in the ass. See, I live as a single parent with two teenage children. Why is a long story that I'm not going to recount right now so suffice to say, it has been this way for quite a while. During that long while I have pretty much chosen to live without a partner. That isn't to say I don't have partners, I do. The children know about them, know them, and see some stay overnight from time to time. For personal reasons, I just haven't felt the urge to have someone living here with us for quite a while. But while laying here awake at the pre-pre-ass-crack-of-dawn thinking about all the things I could be doing, it was what I wasn't thinking about that bothered me.
I wasn't thinking about that perfect put-me-back-to-sleep comfy spot. You know, the one where you roll over and find your partner ready to spoon with a hand on her boob and your face in her hair. Or when you are wiggling around and it wakes up your partner just enough that they move over to snuggle you. It was irritating at that moment that I was planning and thinking about my work day instead of wondering if the warm body next to me would mind a 3 am wakeup booty call. Nevermind. There was no warm body next to me.
Oddly enough, that also sealed the deal for getting out of bed and doing something productive. At that point I realized that to continue laying in bed would only result in me fantasizing about what might happen if there were someone else in bed with me. Which is almost as frustrating as waking up at 3:30 AM by myself. And thinking about *that* would definitely keep me awake.
So I got out of bed and started my day, checking emails and such. When I got caught up a bit I figured I would write down what had just happened. At the time I wasn't sure why. It really wasn't poly related. I can't complain or whine about there being nobody in my bed because after all, it was my choice. And do you really care what I'm doing at 3:30 AM? But there is a point.
Don't take that warm body next to you for granted. When you wake up with your hand on a hip, spooning some warm, delicious person think about how lucky you are. As they wiggle up against you, or you them, and find that soft, warm spot that will help you drift back to sleep think about how awesome it is to have them with you. Daydream about greeting them in the morning with a warm hug, a soft kiss, and a whisper in their ear saying "I am so lucky to have you" or "I loved waking up and cuddling with you in the middle of the night". Have a cup of coffee waiting for them when they walk into the kitchen and just hand it to them with a bright smile and think about how you enjoyed cuddling with them as they slept and didn't even realize what was happening. Whatever you do, remember how lucky you are to have someone willing to share a bed with you and how empty that same bed can feel at 3:30 AM with nobody else in it.