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Saturday, April 16, 2011

Magic Bullet

As usual, I try to read different blogs and websites. I subscribe to more stuff than I can realistically read most of the time and when I can catch up with things it can quickly feel like poly overload. Lately I was overjoyed to catch up with my reading a bit because it gave me a chance to see trends and presented me with a gift! I received the most wonderful magic bullet for relationships!!

I was able to read some more detailed postings on a few sites and noticed an uptick in a long-time trend. Reasons for seeking a Unicorn seemed to be changing. Explanations behind the trend were fairly simple, my spouse and I are bored. The magic bullet? A hot-bi-babe or Unicorn!

Yes, I know, some of you are thinking "Oh no, not the Unicorn thing again!" What can I tell you, when that's what folks are talking about, that's what I tend to talk about.

Anyway, I've been seeing a lot of posts lately where M/F couples are suddenly looking for a Unicorn. That isn't unusual in itself but what is unusual is that the often heard explanations are missing. Gone are the comments like "My wife has always wanted to sleep with another woman so we are looking for a third." or "My wife really wants a girlfriend so I'm helping her find one". Instead I have seen a lot more of these posts that say simply, "We want to spice up our relationship". And with so many posts like that out there, how can they be wrong? A Unicorn must truly be the magic bullet that can save a poly relationship!

We are bored, add a Unicorn!
We want to spice up our sex life and make it more exciting, add a Unicorn!
My spouse and I seem to be drifting apart. We thought about getting a dog or having a baby but decided to just add a Unicorn instead!
My wife and I are fighting a lot lately and neither of us is sexually satisfied so we decided to add a Unicorn!

Realizing there is a pattern here I consulted my Absolute Definitive Guide to Successful Polyamorous Relationships (bonus CD and poster included) and checked the extensive rules section. Nowhere did I find an equation like: Poly Relationship + any problem = Add Unicorn!

I was, and still am probably, a bit confused since I couldn’t find it in the rule book. Then I ran across a very interesting thread topic; "Anyone know of any successful dual-alpha female households?" I sat down to think long and hard about that one. Honestly, I don't know of many. I even asked one of my partners and they couldn't think of many.

Putting those two things together left me with the thought; Unicorn hunting isn't something new. And with so many people wanting that HBB to join them I should expect to see a significant number of relationships with a F/M/F design. Since I don't, is it a generally viable relationship model or only specifically viable, dependent upon personalities? And if it is viable dependent on personality, are the two females truly alpha-females at that point?

Regardless I think the initial logic I'm seeing lately is flawed. Adding a third person regardless of gender, to try and fix either problems or voids, to an existing relationship seems like a bad move. There is no magic bullet when it comes to relationships. In my opinion, the third person couples want to add often seems like the final bullet that kills their relationship rather than the magic bullet that saves it.

What say you?


  1. I really have to agree with your assessment. I have to wonder if those seeking a third, of either gender, are truly aware of what they are getting into.

    Any one I know that lives a poly lifestyle is always careful to tell the curious, or those admitting to what you've discussed here, that it won't fix what is wrong with a relationship. In fact, it generally throws a spotlight on what is wrong. And sometimes it isn't something you have consciously admitted to.

    What you've discussed here, are just people, in my opinion, who aren't willing to work to fix their problems. They just want to take what they feel is an easy answer.

  2. lovingmorethanone,
    Thanks for another great comment.

    Great point that those seeking a third may not know what they are asking for when they do! I agree that it often seems to irritate problems that already exist and may have been ignored in the past. It seems more than a few relationships explode when a third person is added to the mix.

    Thanks for sharing!

  3. Lovingmorethanone said: In fact, it generally throws a spotlight on what is wrong. (It being the adding of a 3rd person)

    I am the Unicorn in my triad. My spices have been married for 20 years. They have been through a lot together, overcome a lot together, but still didn't have "perfect" relationship.

    When I first moved in there was a lot of adjusting to be done. Even adjusting over stupid stuff like who gets to put their toothbrush where or who is monkey in the middle? (We all sleep together)

    A few months in and some problems in their relationship were brought to light. See, being in a triad is really complicated for most. There is their relationship, my relationship with him, my relationship with her, then our relationship together as three. Each relationship needs to be strong in order to be successful.

    In the end it boiled down to communication. One of my partners wasn't being honest about feelings from the past (long before they knew me) and feelings now. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. Bottom line is - it's key.

    We recently just had a handfasting ceremony committing our lives to one another and I couldn't be a happier girl.

    Unicorns do exist, we don't always ruin a relationship, and sometimes in the end if there is love and will and communication - there can be peace and happiness and love abound! :-)

  4. Ayonfe,
    Thanks for adding your insight to this topic!

    I hope you didn't feel offended by what was said. For myself at least I don't feel all unicorns are bad, or that even the concept is inherently bad. The problem I was trying to highlight is that many people seem to be searching for a unicorn for the wrong reason. Rather than a simple desire to build a family or share their love, they use the idea of adding a third person or unicorn as a solution to problems. From that perspective, I think they are making a mistake.

    I think it is wonderful your triad has worked out so well. I also think it is probably an exception that it has worked so well, rather than the norm. Even more so given that your addition did highlight problems in the existing relationship that you were all able to work out.

    Congratulations on your handfasting and union. I wish you all many years of happiness!

    Thanks again for the comment :)