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Saturday, May 14, 2011


Life has been going 100+ mph lately it seems. Work is insane, warmer weather means more social commitments, more social commitments means more contacts, contacts mean more dates. It is a cycle that will keep anyone busy.

Along with the usual craziness of life I've had some other things happening lately that have kept my brain as busy as my body. One of my partners is preparing to buy a house. Being her first house she has a lot of questions and a lot to learn. Helping her with that has been keeping me busy with conversations and weekends spent looking at houses. But that isn't what keeps my mind busy.

In my thoughts lately is the question; why is she buying a house at all? For those of you who don't know, I'm a single dad with two kids. I have a nice sized house that meets my needs well. My sweetie and I have talked about moving in together and in fact plan on it happening but right now is just not the right time for a few different reasons.

That is leaving me with some mixed feelings. Why shouldn't we move in together now? If we want it to happen, why not just make it happen? Is it silly for her to buy a house near me when we could just move in together? And if we do move in together, how will our lives change?

I've struggled with these questions a lot and what I've come to believe is that every relationship evolves at a different pace. Some move along quickly, growing strong fast, and burning out just as fast. Others build slowly and steadily, lasting sometimes a lifetime. Where I think we sometimes make mistakes is when we try to change the pace of a relationship, either moving it along more quickly than is natural, or trying to slow it excessively. When we accept things as they are and allow relationships to move at their own pace is when they seem to work the best. At that point, even mistakes made, as long as they are made without malice, seem to be more easily corrected and forgiven.

I have thought about that a lot during my partners house buying experience. I've wondered if we should try and move things along a bit faster, jumping to the next step in our relationship instead of growing into things. Realizing that trying to force things to happen unnaturally may cause problems and pain rather than joy has helped me be confident we are making the right choices now, even if it means delaying other things.

I hope that you too are able to find the pace with each of your relationships. With polyamory, that is quite a challenge. One relationship may move fast, while another moves slow. And sometimes the difference of pace can be a cause of pain when one partner feels your relationship with another partner may be moving to fast or that their relationship with you is moving too slow considering the speed of your other relationships. Communicating this difference to them may help solve the problem though often the need to "make things even" can override the logic of understanding.

Although life has been crazy lately, working through this seems to have not only helped me find my pace, but helped my brain calm down a bit as well.

What are your thoughts on the pace of relationships? When you have multiple relationships how does the pace of each affect the other?

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